


Roll for Initiative

by shnuffeluv



Series: Chaos and Dragons: The Two Princes D&D AU [1]
Category: The Two Princes (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dungeons & Dragons, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Inappropriate Humor, Innuendo, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing, slight crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:35:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26306455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shnuffeluv/pseuds/shnuffeluv
Summary: Rupert, Amir, Joan, Cecily, and Percy Jr. all agree to set up a Dungeons and Dragons campaign when they head off to college. What could possibly go wrong?(Rated M for inappropriate responses, violence, etc., and Choose Not to Warn for unpredictability in terms of dice rolls.)
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: Chaos and Dragons: The Two Princes D&D AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911346
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13
Collections: The Gen Sub Hub





	Roll for Initiative

Chatter at the table was excited as Rupert, Amir, Joan, and Cecily contemplated what Percy was planning for their new Dungeons and Dragons campaign. It was the start of the college semester and the five friends had agreed to some mutual geekery in the form of this game. Character sheets were spread across the table, the DM’s visor was up, and everyone was breaking out the sodas and the chips. Percy was in the bathroom, and in the meantime Rupert was trying to sneak details about Cecily’s character, Joan and Amir were arguing over whose character could bench press more, and the room was filled with laughter and the softly teasing voices of everyone talking to each other.

Percy walked out of the bathroom and everyone quieted, turning to him. “Is it time?” Rupert asked, eyes alight with excitement.

“It’s time,” Percy said solemnly, sitting down in his spot at head of the table, and looked around at everyone’s eager faces. “Before we start, does anyone have any objections? Any last-minute bathroom breaks?”

Amir groaned. “No, Percy, you’re always the last to go to the bathroom, right before we start! You _know_ we’re ready!”

Percy rolled his eyes. “Don’t get smart with me.”

“Don’t get smart with me,” Amir mimicked in a high-pitched voice that had Joan smiling and Cecily giggling.

“One more crack out of you and you’re starting out with half HP,” Percy warned.

Amir held his hands up in surrender.

Percy smirked, and began to set the scene. “The party was extravagant. Some might even go so far as to say it was gaudy. Chandeliers flooded the room with warm yellow light, and everything was made of gold or silver. The women were decked out in jewels, the men in dashing suits. This was the event of the season, and all of you were attending in one fashion or another. While Liam was somewhat under-dressed, he had captured a few of the ladies’ attention. Westley was strumming the guitar and providing a music for the atmosphere. Felicity was striking up a conversation with some nobles, and Luna was standing as a guard at the edge of the room.”

Amir looked around the room and grinned. “Hey, already attracting the ladies, I have a leg up on all of you!”

Joan rolled her eyes. “Please. You’re getting the ladies because they haven’t seen how much I can bench press.”

Percy cleared his throat. “In the midst of the crowd, a man is stumbling through, looking drunk. He’s mumbling something unintelligible in Gnomish, before he stops in the middle of the room and shouts, ‘Yer all dead, ya hear me? Dead!’ And the crowd goes silent. Everyone seems to be frozen in place.”

The players looked at each other. “I go over to him and ask, ‘Is there a problem, sir?’” Joan said.

“Damn right there’s a problem!” Percy said as the gnome. “There’s _poison_ in the champagne!”

Getting no immediate response from his players, Percy continued. “The crowd erupts in chaos, and it’s clear that if nothing happens, there will shortly be pandemonium in the form of a panicked and possibly ill mob.”

“I jump on a table and yell, ‘Wow, what an entertainer, am I right, folks? Looks like the acting troupe has arrived!’”

“Roll for persuasion,” Percy replied without a hitch.

Everyone held their breath. Rupert winced. “Seven. But, with the plus six modifier—”

“Woah, woah. _Six?!”_ Amir interrupted. “You have plus _six_ on persuasion?!”

“Duh? I’m a bard?” Rupert said, like it was obvious.

Percy cleared his throat. “So you rolled a thirteen. The crowd settles mostly, but a few people are still looking anxious.”

“I run through the crowd and grab Liam, whispering in his ear, ‘Follow my lead,’ before drawing my rapier,” Rupert said. “Foul scoundrel! You will never fool us with your evil deeds!”

“The gnome looks up at you, confused, and snaps, ‘I’m not lying! The host poisoned the drinks! He’s trying to get rid of his political competition!’”

“He’s doing _what?!”_ Amir snapped. “Where is he?! I’ll rip him to shreds!”

“Easy,” Rupert says. “We don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not.”

“You find out, while I find the host!” Amir snaps. “I rip myself away from Westley and dash through the crowd.”

“Why do you suspect this?” Joan inquired.

“I saw him do it myself!” Percy responded. “He dropped wolfsbane into it and said to some of his cronies that he wanted to make sure his rivals drank the champagne!”

“I want to see if he’s telling the truth,” Joan said.

“Roll insight,” Percy responded.

“Gah! Nine,” Joan groaned.

Percy snickered. “He seems rather drunk to you, and you can’t tell if he’s being honest or has just had one to many glasses.”

Joan shook her head. Cecily spoke up. “I walk over and push Westley’s rapier down. ‘Now, now, there’s no need for violence,’ I say. I look around to see if any of the host’s rivals are feeling ill.”

“Roll perception,” Percy said.

“Eleven,” Cecily said.

Percy hummed. “A man close to you looks particularly green around the gills, before he violently vomits.”

Cecily wrinkled her nose. “Lovely,” she said, voice drenched in sarcasm.

“The crowd is beginning to panic again, realizing that the gnome is serious,” Percy said. “At this point, Liam runs back into the room, holding the host by his shirt, causing quite the commotion.”

“What did you do to the champagne?!” Amir growled.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Percy said in a nasally voice.

“Stop lying!” Amir snapped. “People could die!”

“Roll intimidation,” Percy said.

“Ooh! Eighteen!” Amir crowed. “Plus two! Twenty! Not a nat, but still!”

Percy said, “He looks suitably scared, and said, ‘It’s nothing serious! They’re just supposed to get sick during the political speeches tomorrow!’”

“Exactly how much wolfsbane did you put in the champagne?” Joan asked.

“Just a couple drops!” Percy stammered out.

“That’s still enough to kill!” Rupert exclaimed. “Everyone, please, call your doctors, get them here straight away, or head to the nearest hospital! We all need to make sure no one’s gotten poisoned!”

“The crowd rushes out, leaving the four of you, the gnome, and the host standing there. The guards are calling their higher-ups, and the room is eerily quiet now that no one’s talking,” Percy said.

“I guess we’re supposed to look after this guy?” Rupert asked.

“I move to make an unarmed strike on the host,” Amir said.

Joan interjected before Percy could say anything. “Woah, woah! Yeah, this guy is scum, but you don’t have to knock his lights out! The police will take care of him!”

“Yeah, right!” Amir scoffed. “This guy tried to kill people! He deserves to feel a little pain himself!”

“I wasn’t trying to kill anyone!” Percy interjected.

“Shut up!” Amir snapped. “I’m still not sold on not punching you in the face!”

“I’m for that,” Cecily said. “He ruined my plans to get lucky with a guy or two tonight.”

“Believe it or not, the world doesn’t revolve around you and your plans,” Joan sneered at Cecily. “Get a grip, lady.”

“Excuse you, _half-orc,_ at least I _know_ I can get lucky unlike _some_ people here!” Cecily huffed.

“And what’s that supposed to mean, _tiefling_ _?”_ Joan asked icily. “I’ll have you know I am _beautiful_ in half-orc circles.”

“Hey, fighting is going to get us nowhere except in more trouble!” Rupert interjected. “We need to make sure this guy gets arrested _without harm,_ and then get the hell out of dodge.”

“Why are you so eager to leave?” Amir asked. “Surely, you’d like part of a reward for his capture and exposure?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Rupert said simply. “I want to go. Since no one is here anymore, and I can’t exactly get paid, I’m more than ready to leave.”

“You’re not some sort of criminal, are you?” Amir asked.

“Of course not!” Rupert shot back.

“Then what is the harm in staying?”

Rupert growled. “I have...made people angry before by staying too long in places that I’m not wanted,” he settled on.

“Oh yeah, that sounds like you’re _totally_ on the up-and-up,” Joan said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry, when did I ask?” Rupert snarked.

Percy rolled his eyes and cut in, “The head of the local police arrives and walks in. ‘What’s this commotion?’ he asks. ‘My guards are saying there was political sabotage at play?’”

“This gnome is claiming that our host here put wolfsbane in the champagne, and the host admitted to it,” Amir said.

“Ah,” Percy said. “This appears to be the nail in the coffin for your corruption case, eh, Jackson?”

“Corruption case?” Joan asked. “You knew he was potentially dangerous and you didn’t _do_ anything?”

“A man as influential as Jackson? You’d be lucky to get _any_ charge to stick without him admitting it. But if he admits to this, what else might he admit to with a little persuasion?” Percy informed the four.

“Does that mean I _am_ allowed to hit him?” Amir asked.

“No, do not hit him,” Rupert said.

Percy smirked. “You, bard, I expect my guitar back,” he said.

Amir turned to Rupert, eyes full of challenge. “Fine,” Rupert said. “That just means that I go back to my normal instrument.”

And, to everyone at the table’s joint surprise and horror, Rupert brought out a kazoo and started playing a sea shanty.

“No! No!” Amir exclaimed. “Out of character, _please_ tell me you’re not allowing this, Percy!”

Percy looked positively stunned. “I thought Rupert was just being bitchy when he put kazoo as his proficiency and item! I didn’t think he’d bring _an actual kazoo_ to a session, let alone to the first one in a campaign!”

“Never give me artistic freedom,” Rupert said, voice solemn but a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Noted,” Percy said. “See if I let you ever be a bard again.”

“No, come on!” Rupert laughed. “Being a bard is fun, save for looking through all the spells you need to choose!”

Percy pinched the bridge of his nose. “No kazoo.”

“No promises,” Rupert grinned.

“No bard, then!” Percy said.

“We’ll see,” Rupert said with a little smirk.

“Back in character,” Percy said, slightly red as he cleared his throat and struggled with his temper. “Thank you for capturing this man. I don’t suppose you would be willing to come to the station and answer a few questions? There will be a paid reward, of course.”

“I’d...rather not,” Rupert said.

“I’ll follow you,” Amir offered.

“The police officer squints at Westley. ‘Do I know you?’ he asks,” Percy said.

Rupert’s face was impassive as he said, “I doubt it. I’m just passing through, trying to get some coin from playing at various parties. You might have seen me at a different event.”

“Roll persuasion,” Percy said.

Rupert did, and laughed. “Oh, god,” he said. “Fourteen.”

“Is that bad?” Cecily asked.

“Doubtful, considering my modifier is plus six,” Rupert said, that shit-eating grin returning. “It means I rolled an unnatural twenty. Percy, how you handling this?”

Percy sighed. “You being a bard was a mistake,” he said simply. “The police officer scratches his head and dismisses the conversation with an, ‘Oh, you’re probably right. Still, you must come to the station, if only to answer a few cursory questions.’ Meanwhile, the gnome has passed out on the floor, looking rather the worse for wear.”

“Should we bring him with us?” Amir asked.

“Why? He wasn’t the one who caught the host red-handed,” Joan said with a shrug.

“He did tip us off about it, though,” Amir pointed out.

“Do you want to wake him up and ask him, and risk him getting violent with the host, who is now in police custody?” Rupert asked.

“...No,” Amir said reluctantly.

“I can take him to the hospital,” Joan offered.

“I’ll come with you,” Rupert said.

“You must, of course, come to the station afterwards to answer questions,” Percy reminded.

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Rupert said.

Percy rolled a die and blinked. “Well, the police chief completely believes you, despite that unconvincing performance,” he said.

“What did he roll?” Rupert asked, smirking.

“A fucking _one,”_ Percy said, shaking his head.

“Poor man thinks I’m just a nice gentleman of a nomad,” Rupert laughed.

Percy rolled his eyes. “Okay. You and Joan are going to the hospital to drop off the gnome. A nurse comes up to you outside the hospital and takes him off your hands, so you don’t have an excuse to stay for long.”

“Actually...my character had some of the champagne too,” Rupert said.

“No, he didn’t, we established that you don’t drink on jobs before we started the game, remember?” Percy asked with a pleased smile.

“Oh, fuck you, Percy,” Rupert grumbled.

Everyone else looked between the two quizzically for a second, before Percy moved on. “As you two head towards the police station, Luna practically dragging Westley there, Liam and Felicity are both already at the police station. You’re staring at the Local’s board, the place where and civilian can post jobs or requests for adventurer’s passing through. Now, roll perception.”

“Sixteen,” the two said at the same time.

“Modifiers, remember?” Percy pressed.

“Seventeen, then,” Amir said.

“Oh, eighteen,” Cecily said.

“The two of you both see some adverts for helping to find lost trinkets, or helping novice adventurers through the woods, but the most notable thing on the board, is the picture of a certain bard that the two of you were just talking with over a drunk gnome,” Percy said, grinning like the cat who caught the cream.

“Liam,” Cecily said. “That’s the bard from earlier.”

“What? No, it can’t be,” Amir said. “Can it?”

“The police chief walks out of the back and says, ‘Ah, you see that? That’s the face of a conman,’” Percy said. “Convinced the Duke of Ends that the town’s clock was for sale, for a platinum.”

“What?!” Amir asked. “A _platinum?!”_

“Yup. Duke gave it to him, too. Had a grand scheme, he did. Took him, another human, and several tieflings to convince the Duke, and they split up the money between them before skipping town. We got most of the Duke’s money back, the tieflings and human were spending recklessly and we caught ‘em. But that man, Westley Roberts has somehow eluded us all,” Percy said.

“Sir, I don’t know how to tell you this...” Cecily said, thinking over her words. “But, the bard you spoke to tonight...”

“Ah, yes, a nice gentleman. Bit cagey, wasn’t he?”

“That would be because he’s the man on the Wanted poster,” Amir said, genuine ice in his voice.

“‘What?!’ the police chief asked incredulously. ‘Guards! Head to the hospital! We have a criminal in our midst!’” Percy said, grinning at Rupert. “That’s what you get for bringing a kazoo to session.”

Rupert made eye contact with Percy, and slowly started playing _Taps._ “Such a shame. I got arrested. Wouldn’t exactly stop me.”

“Coincidentally, you two walk in the police station at that moment,” Percy said, jutting his chin up in challenge. “And everyone is pointing their weapons at the two of you, including Liam and Felicity.”

“What’s going on?!” Joan asked indignantly. “Is this how you treat every local hero?”

“Heroes, no,” Percy said. “Criminals, yes. Westley Roberts, you are under arrest for fraud!”

“I don’t suppose you’d let me talk my way out of this?” Rupert asked.

“Not a chance in hell,” Percy said.

Rupert sighed and said, “Can I at least cast my Vicious Mockery cantrip?” Rupert asked.

“Well, that depends. Do you want to stay in that jail cell the rest of the game?” Percy asked.

Rupert groaned and said, “Fine. Just get it over with already.”

Percy nodded. “You go to the jail cell. Anything you say after this is automatically out of character.”

Rupert reluctantly nodded.

Joan turned and asked, “Is there any way that we could get him out of that cell?”

“He’d have to give back what he stole, and types like those never do,” Percy said.

“If he did, would he be able to go?” Joan asked.

“He’d be on probation,” Percy informed them. “He’d have to go without a spot on his record for a certain amount of time before we’d let him go just anywhere. And no one here wants to house a human thief with a record a mile long. And, of course, he’d have to do the community a service to be forgiven.”

“It’s a lost cause, he’s a thief! A scoundrel!” Amir protested.

“He was kinda cute,” Cecily said. “I’d be willing to house him.”

“No,” Percy said. “Someone that I trust needs to inform me that he’s been on the up-and-up. No offense to you ladies, but I don’t trust either of you.”

“What about Liam?” Joan asked.

“What about him?” Percy prodded.

“He’s a local hero, isn’t he? I’ve only been here a couple weeks and I heard about his heroics in the East. Surely you’d trust him to be honest?” Joan said.

“What? No! I’m not housing a thief!” Amir protested.

“I’ll give you four gold if you do,” Cecily whispered across the table.

“Six.”

“Five.”

“Ugh, deal.” Amir cleared his throat. “Chief Hartgrove, I would be willing to look after the thief on his probation, should you so wish.”

Percy hummed. “And I can trust you to be honest?”

“On my honor as a paladin,” Amir said sincerely. “I will reform this common criminal.”

Cecily huffed, “There’s nothing ‘common’ about a charlatan,” under her breath.

“Very well. You may go back to his cell, and if you can convince him to hand over the five gold he stole from the Duke, I will let him go in your possession. But I expect the two of you here first thing tomorrow for community service.”

“Of course, Chief,” Amir said. “And I go in the back and explain the situation to Westley.”

“I’m not giving back my gold, I earned it fair and square!” Rupert protested. “The fact that the Duke was duped by my con is his problem, not mine!”

“You didn’t earn it, and it certainly wasn’t fair!” Amir said. “You tricked that Duke!”

“So? He was corrupt and spending all his money on escorts half his age!” Rupert said. “Mind you, he’s only thirty!”

“Tell you what. We can get back at the Duke another way, a more _legal_ way, later. But for now you have to give the gold back, and house with me. There’s some community service we’ll have to do tomorrow, but we can work to find a way to take him down, deal?”

“Deal,” Rupert said. “Here’s the five gold. Now get me out of this joint.”

“Chief Hartgrove, I have gotten the gold back from the charlatan,” Amir said. “Would you be so kind as to release him into my custody?”

“I suppose,” Percy sighed. “But know this, Tempest. If he commits any crimes, that’s on you.”

“I understand,” Amir said. “I will keep him on a very tight leash.”

“Kinky,” Rupert snickered.

“Was that out of character?” Percy asked.

“I kinda assumed I hadn’t been released yet, so yeah,” Rupert said.

Percy shook his head. “Whatever. You’re released into Liam’s supervision, and all four of you head to your quarters at the local inn tonight. Separate rooms save for Westley and Liam.”

“I roll to seduce—I’m joking! I’m joking!” Rupert cut himself off as Amir picked up his dice, looking like he was about to pelt them at Rupert. “God, where’s your sense of humor, Amir?”

“Liam would never sleep with a good-for-nothing thief,” Amir said.

“He’s Chaotic Good! He fights for the poor!”

“But Liam doesn’t know that yet! All he knows is that you chose _one_ target who he feels deserves what was coming to him,” Amir pointed out.

“Fine,” Rupert sighed. “We won’t sleep together...yet.”

“Ever, in this game, if I have a say in it,” Amir said.

Rupert groaned. “Fine. I’ll just seduce a dragonborn barbarian the second I get a chance.”

Percy rolled his eyes. “Unless anyone has objections, that’ll be the session ending for tonight. I have a term paper to research and I’d like to use all the time at my disposal to get the C I deserve.”

“Yeah, sure,” Rupert sighed.

“Sounds good,” Joan agreed.

“Same time tomorrow?” Cecily asked.

“Yep,” Amir confirmed.

“Get out, now, all of you, I need to research,” Percy teased. “And Rupert? Don’t bring the kazoo back.”

“Bitch, I will bring the kazoo back for the entire campaign or until it breaks,” Rupert laughed.

Percy sighed. “What have I gotten myself into?”

“Chaos,” Amir said as the five of them said their goodbyes. “Chaos and Dragons.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply. If you don't want a reply, leave "whisper" somewhere in your comment and I'll leave it be.


End file.
